|Sunset at lighthouse beach (2 miles from our house)|
When I first learned about my Aspie brain, an immediate result was a change in how I perceived my bouts of depression.
First of all, these bouts had gotten fewer and farther between since I had returned to my natural born Special Interest of dance.
But there would still be Those Days...
Then I read and read and read about this particular brain and came to the conclusion that what I had labeled as Chronic Depression for my whole life was actually an out of control, misunderstood symptom of my brand of Autism.
This changed everything for me. I felt free of the burden of the depression label.
I would have a bad day, sure, but I saw it as part of my neurology and not a personality defect or a "sickness" over which I had little control or the result of trauma from which I was not healing "properly."
This allowed me to tolerate it and just "ride it out." Inevitably, it would be gone within a day or two, because I no longer just sunk into it and drowned. I saw it as temporary.
I see these days as temporary.
But they can still feel like CRAP and they can be startling because they happen so infrequently.
I had one of them on Sunday.
And it turned into a real Pity Party.
You probably have had a similar sort of Pity Party: "I wish I had a 'normal' brain. I wish I could socialize and go to parties and listen to music in bars without melting down. I wish I could be busy like other people and not need so much recuperation time. I wish noise/smells did not cause me physical pain and make me angry..." and on and on.
Basically, variations of "I suck."
Luckily, I had to go teach a Kundalini yoga class, which started the coming up for air.
Then my partner, Marcy, and I went to the beach to watch the sunset.
There were about two other people there. Not anywhere near us.
There was NO WIND (a major rarity for this area).
Just bird sound and the gentle lapping of our Great Lake.
And a stunning, breathtaking, slow sunset.
We ate grapes and munched on trail mix. I took a ton of photos. We squished our feet into the gravel-y sand, and let the soft water wash away the day.
Just being near the lake is a big stim for me. (I don't mind the word stim...I kinda like it. I know it may offend some others, but I don't really care.)
But being near to the lake, having it be so quiet, no people...that was utter perfection.
It soothed me enough that I could feel myself return from that Pity Party. I could feel myself inside myself, solid. I could hear myself thinking clearly. I could remember that I actually like this brain.